A year ago yesterday Scott and I were reading about Complex Regional Pain Syndrome for the first time and freaking ourselves out with Google images after an appointment with my neurologist.
We’ve kicked a lot of CRPS butt since May 10, 2016, but yesterday was marked by a new pain experience, one my doctor called Raynaud’s Phenomenon. Scott made me promise not to post the footage, but suffice it to say that yesterday was rough, that by the end of the day I was hangry and stupid tired and over multi-appointment days and work-missing and that my prayers were for relief and answers and an unrestricted diet so I can binge eat Ben & Jerry’s (do you know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten ice cream? Six bleeping months).
When this whole journey began last year, I struggled with how to explain it or if I should. Social media is a beast that none of us truly understand and we’re all trying to figure out how to tame it without being bitten. We love it and we love to hate it. At times I’ve resisted it, taken breaks from it (which I can’t recommend enough) but what bugs me about it, what irks me, is the energy it takes to foster and maintain a likable image that’s only semi-rooted in reality. And I understand that we shouldn’t broadcast our business with no thought of who is reading, or watching–trust me, I’m a pastor’s kid; I’ve thought through all of this since before Instagram and Twitter existed thanks to fishbowl living and busybodies. But what I’m interested in now, at thirty-one, is being as honest as appropriate. The pursuit of perfection bores me, wipes me out, and I want not a thing to do with it. So at the risk of TMI I share, because, if CRPS has taught me anything in this last year, it’s that we have far less control over our lives than we think and that bearing each other’s burdens can relieve some of the weight, lessen the blow.
Last night Scott reminded me that a year go yesterday he could not touch my right leg from the knee down, and when he did, he got kicked. He reminded me how far we’ve come, how much beauty has been brought through this. And he is so right. But just so you know, I don’t walk around quoting Bible verses all day. I’m not always thanking Jesus for the burning in my legs or arms or the fact that I haven’t had a normal social life in a year, that I have to turn down friends weekly, that I talk more often with the ladies who work the desks at my appointments than I do with my best friends, or that I have to pass on all items not gluten or sugar free. So when I share here, it’s because I know that we’ve all got our own piles of nonsense and what I want, more than anything else, is for somebody to know that they are not alone with their nonsense. So whether it’s health-related or financial, relational or otherwise, can I just remind you that you’re not by yourself? That it’s alright to admit that your situation isn’t ideal and that you’re soul-tired and fed up? Because this community reminded me of that yesterday and it made all the difference.